Read Psalm 130 and 2 Corinthians 3:17-18.
Let me begin by saying that I love my family. God has blessed me with a wonderful family – a father and mother and three brothers, all of whom are seeking the Lord. We are very close. My brothers and I are all twins. We’ve all heard that twins have a particular bond. Well, I can attest to that truth. My twin brother has always been the most important person in my life. Since conception, there has not been a time when one of us was without the other. This is a great blessing. And also the root of many of my besetting sins. I did not realize it, but I looked for my security and my identity in my familial relationships, particularly with my brother. And this primary sin of idolatry led me into other sins of bitterness, suspicion, and anger when that relationship changed, as all earthly things inevitably change.
This change was a good change, a natural change, a beautiful change. My brother got married. He married a lovely, intelligent, God-fearing woman. I knew at the time even that those things were true about her. But I was so threatened by the change that she was bringing into our family that my heart and mind were fertile soil for the devil’s lies. Satan whispered and my heart echoed that she didn’t really love my brother, she was going to hurt and humiliate him, she didn’t want to be part of our family and she would pull him away from us. I became so consumed with these ideas – which even at the time I realized were based on nothing real – that everything she said or did not say, everything she did or did not do, became distorted. I was suspicious. I was angry. Suspicion and anger led to resentment, and over the years resentment settled into bitterness. And though I tried to appear loving and kind, sins of the heart inevitably manifest themselves outwardly. I became the very thing that I feared she was. I was causing rifts in my family relationships, I was hurting my brother, I was pulling away. I saw this in myself, but I felt powerless to change my course. My sin seemed too deep.
This all happened over the course of many years. They met, dated, were engaged, married, and lived together happily. And all the while I struggled with my sin. I prayed again and again that God would change my heart. That I would love her as a sister, as I wanted to love her. But nothing changed. I felt desperate. I was afraid that I would lose my relationship with my brother, and possibly with the rest of my family if I could not overcome this. I sought the intercession of others. I wrote my request in the black prayer book in the pews. I asked for prayers from my Bible study sisters, from my small group, and from a few trusted friends. And still nothing. I told myself that this was just something I would have to live with, it was part of who I am, unchangeable, and that the best I could hope for was concealment. I did continue to pray, and I know that there were others praying faithfully for me. And praise God, His mercies are new every morning.
I woke up one morning shortly before Thanksgiving 2018, and it was gone. I felt it immediately. My bitterness, resentment, anger, and suspicion were all stripped away, and I saw clearly. And oh the lightness! Sin is truly a burden, and I did not know how heavily it was weighing me down until it was taken away. I did not know how deep the infection had spread until I was cleansed. It was a feeling of joy that I had never known before. Throughout all the years that I had been confessing my sin regularly, I knew that I was forgiven. God forgave me again and again. He forgave me every time. And that is wonderful and awesome and worthy of praise. But freedom from sin is a promise and a gift that is even greater. Of course, I am not now free of all my sins. My first reaction that morning, by God’s grace, was one of awe and thanksgiving and praise. But my second reaction was “I’ve got more stuff, Lord.” And I know that I will not be free of all my sin until the Kingdom comes in its fullness. But the Lord was so gracious to reveal to my skeptical heart something that I knew academically, but did not truly believe practically – the Lord will take away my sin; the Lord will fundamentally change me into the person He intends me to be.
So, things that I want others to take away from this story:
Don’t think He can’t do it. Don’t think your sin is too great or too small or too ingrained for the Lord to free you from it. Our God is a creator, and you are a new creation in Him. Our God is a redeemer, and you are being redeemed.
Sin is not essential to who you are. I started to think that my sins were part of my essential being. That God had made me that way and I could not change it. First of all, shame on me for throwing my sin back on God. That is the ultimate perversion. Second, although I may be powerless to change, God is powerful. And the only thing that is essential to who you are is the Imago Dei. You are a child of God, created in the image of God. That is your true identity
Don’t keep your sin to yourself. We need to be better at public confession and public repentance. We need to be better at asking others to pray for our greatest need – to be freed from our particular sins. The prayers of the saints are powerful. Let us not be ashamed to ask for help from our brothers and sisters.
May we long with more earnestness for the coming of Christ. I am still full of sin. The world is still full of sin. And I now know in a way that I didn’t before, that the Lord is actively redeeming his people, here and now. But this one experience, this one sin lifted, has given me a glimpse of the greatness, the beauty, the peace, the joy of Heaven where we will sin no more. There will be a day, my friends, when you will be rid of your sin; when we will be rid of all of it. Hallelujah! God be praised! May that day come quickly, oh Lord.
Written by Ellen Jackson, a member of New City Fellowship.